Chuck Fletcher’s Trade Deadline Excuses

To celebrate the glacial pace of regime change in the Philadelphia Flyers organ-eye-zation, let’s examine some excuses Chuck Fletcher could have made at the NHL trade deadline that would have been more plausible than telling the Philly press that he made a bunch of phone calls.

“Turns out my phone was on Airplane mode the whole time. My bad.”

“I’ve been on a mission to eat more cheesesteaks than Jim Pappas. I was downing a whiz with when my alarm went off 15 minutes before the deadline and then nature called.”

“Sorry, I’ve been binge watching Kaleidoscope in every possible order. It’s weird, though, because it always ends the same way.”

“I never got a 911 alert on my beeper from another GM.”

“I asked our veterans players if they wanted to be traded and they said they wanted to contend for a Cup. I love that they want to stick with the team to help them contend for a Cup. That kind of dedication is admirable.”

“When you call the phone number from a team’s Google listing, there is no voice prompt for making trades or even talking to the GM.”

“Did you guys know there was porn on the internet? I had no idea! Boy is there egg on my face. Oh geez, I hope it’s egg.”

“I’ve been busy trying to get Harvard to send my transcripts to @FletcherHater69 to prove I went there.”

“Dave Scott and I have been slowly destroying this once storied franchise down from the inside.”

“There was no trade deadline. That happened last year.”

“My dad, Cliff, stopped helping me.”

“I guess the trade evaluator app I’ve been using was not helpful. People told me this app, 4Chan, was a good source of information, though.”